When Bill and I attended our Engaged Encounter we made a promise to each other that our marriage would always be the first priority in our lives. We had heard of too many couples, that once their children were grown, found out that they had very little in common and had grown in separate directions. It seemed like an easy enough promise. I couldn’t imagine, young and madly in love, anything coming before Bill.

After 15 years of marriage we can honestly say that our marriage comes second. Along the way we learned that if our marriage was going to be a reflection of God’s love that Christ had to come first, our marriage second. As children arrived on the scene and mothering instincts ran rapid, I had to learn that my marriage came second and my children third. As Bill’s career opportunities grew, income rose we both learned to put temptation in its place and career number four.

Keeping your marriage in second place, only to Christ, is a challenging proposition. Children, careers, sports, church, kids programs all have a way of zapping both energy and time. It takes effort and planning to date your spouse. You have to date your spouse – on – purpose.

Here are a few ideas that have worked for us and others throughout the stages of marriage and family. 

• When the kids were young we didn’t have any family near by to baby-sit and paying a babysitter regularly didn’t fit into our budget. We would plan a romantic dinner in front of the fireplace once the kids were in bed. We would cook a gourmet meal together, put on great music, open a bottle of wine and enjoy hours of an uninterrupted meal and conversation. It took some planning, wasn’t spontaneous, but it was extremely romantic.
  

• Friends of ours “shared” date nights. Each month both couples would get a night out. It was pre-booked. One of the other couples would come and baby-sit their children at their home so there was no worrying about bedtime. This worked for many years.
  

• Build a babysitting expense into your budget. Make sure you don’t use it for running errands. It has to be used for date nights.
  

• Dating your spouse means time alone. A chance to connect, talk about your plans and dreams, find out how your spouse is doing and to give each other one-on-one attention. It doesn’t need to be a fancy dinner or something elaborate.  It can be an ice cream cone and a walk, a drive to your favorite hideaway, sitting on a local beach or mountaintop or playing a sport together. The ideas are endless. The concept is to stay in touch with the one you have vowed to spend the rest of your life with.
   

• When your oldest child turns the age of legal babysitting age you are home free! When our nephew turned 12 we could never get Bill’s sister, Sue and her husband at home. They were always out for “coffee”. Sue and Henry have been an awesome example to us of dating your spouse and letting your children know how important that time is for your marriage.

How often should date night be? That depends on you as a couple. How much time alone do you want or need to stay connected? For some it might be once a month and for others once a week. Depending on what’s going on in your life it might be a walk every night. Our advice - get out alone as much as you can.

Find time to date your spouse. Let down your hair, have fun and build a marriage that is worthy of a legacy.

Legacy Builder: Send us your date ideas and we will post them in the Reader’s Wisdom section of the website coming in October 2004. 

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